Anakin Skywalker: Notapusy

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December 6, 2012 by NowhereButPop

by Andrew Doscas

Turn back the clock and remember being a 5 year old, watching Star Wars for the first time, specifically the first time Darth Vader shows up.  Draped in black with the most intimidating voice of all time, the first thing he does is choke the rebel to death without even touching him.  To little kids, deadbeats who live in their parents’ basement, and pop culture aficionados this is a memory that will last forever.  How could it not?  No one doesn’t know who Darth Vader is.

Within the confines of the original trilogy Vader proves to be one bad motherfucker.  We think he’s responsible for the death of Anakin Skywalker; he kills the shit out of his former mentor, and singlehandedly cuts the rebel forces in half.  This is all done in the first movie alone.  By Empire, Vader takes it to a new level.  He strong arms Billy Dee Williams on a constant basis, freezes Han Solo for the hell of it, cuts off Luke’s hand and then reveals to the Jedi in training that Vader is indeed Anakin Skywalker, Luke’s father.  Oh, and he manages to walk around Hoth in nothing more than his cape, while Luke has to stay inside a snow camel to not die.

In turn, Jedi proves that there is still emotion and humanity behind the whole black knight of evil thing he has going on.  The redemption of Vader is something that everyone wanted to see especially since it came in the face of his son’s impending doom at the hands of his old boss.  So the basic trajectory looks something like this: in Hope he’s a dick, in Empire he’s a DICK, and in Jedi he gets redeemed and winds up saving the day.  All in all, it’s a happy ending.  But obviously there’s still that pressing need to figure out how Anakin, someone who was once a great Jedi, fell to the dark side.  Why did he betray Obi-Wan and the other Jedi?  How did he kill the other Jedi?  What made Anakin such a great Jedi?  These pertinent questions still lingered.

So, once the reveal of a new prequel trilogy came about, you can imagine the excitement created by this announcement.[1]  The mentality is “great, now we’re finally gonna get the whole story behind Anakin and how he became Vader”…..Such was not the case.  The first in the prequel trilogy showed Anakin as a dim-witted bastard who had a rivalry with the Star Wars equivalent of Jeff Gordon.  The only thing we learned about Anakin’s back-story and transition from Jedi hero to Sith badass is that he was a slave who with a juvenile crush on Natalie Portman.  The only inkling of information we have that could hint at his fall to the dark side is that he’s a momma’s boy.  Not very threatening for someone who becomes the scourge of the Jedi order.

Flash forward ten years and we get to Attack of the Clones where Anakin is still a padawan (and he still has that stupid rat-tail thing going).  If he was supposed to be such a great Jedi, why does he spend two-thirds of the trilogy as a trainee still?  The biggest show of his powers is when he cuts up a pair with no hands.  I’m not counting the whole beast control thing he does at the arena because I’m pretty sure Cesar Millan could have done that in half as much time.  Not for nothing, but if the Jedi are supposed to be wise and intuitive, why hasn’t anyone picked up on his massive hard-on for Padme?  They don’t even have to read anyone’s mind, just pay attention.

Throughout Attack, Anakin really has no great show of force.  Maybe I’m being to judgmental, but I digress.  I don’t even count his massacre of the sand-people because that’s like sending a navy seal or a marine to go fight a bunch of cavemen.  The outcome is never in doubt.  After the whole arena thing when Padme gets shot down by enemy forces Anakin, aggressively insists that they go back for her much to the annoyance of Obi-Wan.  At one point Anakin even volunteers to leave the order if it means saving her.  Now, for someone who you haven’t seen in ten years, let alone someone who probably hasn’t thought about you in ten years, that sounds a bit extreme for Anakin to say.  He’s kinda whipped before anything even happens.  Here his best friend is telling him one thing (to pursue Christopher Lee), while Anakin is ready to throw away everything he’s ever worked for, just for someone he spent the past two hours babysitting.  If he’s supposed to be a great Jedi don’t you think he’d be able to concentrate more and be an actual Jedi and not just a trainee?  On top of that he can’t even hold his own against an old man.  What we’ve seen instead of a good friend, and a great Jedi as Obi-Wan described him to Luke, is an Anakin that’s emotional, clingy, willing to constantly sell out his friends, and an overall inept Jedi.  But then again what’s Obi-Wan supposed to say to Luke “Oh, your dad was a pussywhipped traitor who was a shitty Jedi to boot”.

By the time we get to Revenge, I hope some people were thinking to themselves that Anakin was kind of a bitch.[2]  Although it was the best movie of the three, it still had its faults; namely Anakin’s fall to the dark side.  This was it, the big reveal where we find out how Anakin becomes Darth Vader.  My complaints take two forms: 1) It seemed to spur-of-the-moment decision for such a monumental life choice, and 2) it was a really anticlimactic reason that completely shitted on the Vader of the original trilogy.

Originally described as being power-hungry and full of anger, the fall of Anakin would have been awesome to see, but instead we see that his transformation into Vader is more due to teenage angst and overall stupidity.  Being power-hungry and easily seduced are two completely different things.  Anakin is the latter.  I feel like you could dope this guy into buying the phonebook or something.  How’s he supposed to be a great Jedi if everyone just hands him things?  The Emperor was basically his heterosexual sugar daddy, while the Jedi Council gave him a chair on the council even though they said he wasn’t ready for it.[3]  Even as Darth Vader, the only thing he did in the movie was commit infanticide.  Put him up against a real Jedi and he gets his ass burnt to a crisp.

Speaking of seduction, it was his love for Padme that caused Anakin to fall to the dark side, which in my opinion is a really stupid reason.  She doesn’t even like him that much.  They only got together because she thought they were gonna die.  It’s exactly like victims of a plane accident getting together because of the situation.  Remember, this was also the same guy who cut off his son’s hand, tried to freeze him in stasis and convert him to the dark side, and killed his best friend, and George Lucas is trying to tell me that this guy did all that because he was so distraught over his wife’s death.  I just don’t buy it.  All the Emperor has to say is “listen man, your wife, who kinda hates half the things you say and do, is gonna die.  The only way to save her is to renege on everything you stood for and commit infanticide…..oh and you have to kill all of your friends too” and Anakin falls for it hook line and sinker.  I thought he was supposed to be an ambitious angry son of a bitch, not a whiny pussywhipped moron.  Maybe if he was actually a good Jedi he would have seen the entire vision instead of a glimpse of how Padme would die.

Anakin Skywalker ditched his friends, did a complete 180 after getting with Padme, and did everything for her.  We call that being whipped.  Even Padme noticed.  She’d try to tell him “that’s kinda fucked up what you’re doing” and “go hangout with Obi-Wan; get drunk with him or something”.  He’s willing to abandon everything he stood for at the drop of a dime for a woman who really doesn’t seem to like him very much.  Remember though, he does this all to himself.  I just can’t believe that the baddest son of a bitch in the galaxy is like that because underneath it all, he’s just an emotionally stunted whiner who was kinda overrated as a Jedi.

[1] Keep in mind this was before a bad Star Wars movie had been made.

[2] Also I don’t understand why he had the scraggily long hair/Peppermint Patty look that was only popular amongst early teenage boys.

[3] It seems stupid on the part of the producers to only have him sit on the council for like a week before the Jedi go up in ruin.  Also, he doesn’t really do anything important on the council, so I ask why have him there in the first place?


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