April 28, 2013 by NowhereButPop
Over the past two weeks I’ve been doing something I haven’t done since junior high school: listen to rap music. And I don’t mean modern rap like Eminem, or….well whoever the hell it is all the cool kids are listening to these days. No, I mean the stuff I used to listen to before I hit my stride; stuff like Public Enemy, N.W.A. and Onyx. As much as a person can go retro vis a via themselves, listening to golden age era rap is me retroing myself.
Overlooked in my early teenage folly was one Tone-Loc. Now the thing you need to know about Tone-Loc is that he only ever did two things that have any semblance of actually mattering. Still it’s two more things than most of us ever have. Everything you need to know about Tone-Loc, besides the fact that he lost the 1989 Best New Artist Grammy award to Milli Vanilli, can be summed up in his only two hits “Wild Thing” and “Funky Cold Medina”: out of any rapper who has ever had any margin of success, Tone-Loc still can’t find any success with women. Not only that, but he’s also the only rapper who seems to have the need to write songs about how he can’t get with anyone.
The closest Tone ever comes to accomplishing his goal of doing the wild thing is in the first verse of “Wild Thing”. Things seem to be going as planned, until the woman’s mother walks in and begins to lament over the loss of her own sex life; a very surreal scenario I’m sure. Instead of being deterred by this setback, Loc stays strong and at his next concert invites a girl backstage with the implication of engaging in said wild thing with her. However, to the anguish of our protagonist, this woman turns out to be a prostitute. It’s at this point that I’m starting to doubt his inability to find anyone to copulate with despite his massive success at the time. He did have a #1 hit album and two top 5 hit singles. So either his predicament really isn’t that bad, or he’s too cheap to put down 50 bucks for a five minute (on a good day) ride. I’m just saying, if he’s really that desperate $50 doesn’t seem to steep of a price.
By the time “Funky Cold Medina” comes around our hero’s plight has worsened to the point where he has to essentially roofie a woman. Even this doesn’t work for Loc, even after three sincere attempts. The first time is probably the most successful when he uses his dog as a guinea pig. This plot immediately paid off as his dog, “who used to be much, much meaner” started dry humping Loc. This instilled so much confidence within him that he wanted to test the funky cold medina, which is an alcoholic elixir by the way, on the first woman he saw.
In typical Tone-Loc fashion tough, he still can’t get any action. It turns out that the woman he tried to seduce/date rape turned out to be a transvestite. How could the fates be so cruel to our noble hero? Even this harrowing defeat couldn’t deter Loc as he gives the funky cold medina one last chance on his quest for the holiest of grails: sex. After making sure that his next target (potential victim) is neither prostitute, canine, nor man Loc believes he has the green light. But again the fates conspire against him as the FCM backfires and turns insatiable lust into blind love. She doesn’t want to wild thing with Tone-Loc, no, she wants to marry him, which makes Tone-Loc do two things: 1) run right out of there, and 2) disavow the FCM for the rest of his days.
It’s a hard knock life for our friend indeed, between getting sued by Van Halen and not getting any play, and having lost a Grammy award to some who had theirs revoked. It just seems like Loc can’t get his game together, or maybe he should start looking for women who aren’t hookers or men. But if worse comes to worst at least his dog has someone to do the wild thing with.
 I’m really not exaggerating this at all. Listen to the lyrics.