Who Was I, Who, Who, Who, Who

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June 20, 2013 by NowhereButPop

By Andrew Doscas

Rock stars are very egotistical people.  Politicians are very egotistical people.  Here’s who which rock star was which political figure in a past life.

Gene Simmons/Alexander the Great

Alexander of Macedonia wanted the world so he conquered the known world.  Gene Simmons wants the world so he put his face on everything from comics to caskets to Barbie dolls.  Both men wanted the world to feel their presence, Alexander through conquest, and Simmons through commercialization.  While Alexander wanted to unite it under one banner, that of Hellenization, Gene Simmons brought KISS and rock music to a level of globalization not seen in ever before.  Thousands of years ago killing a lot of people and taking their land was an acceptable way of spreading your influence, now it’s through selling anything imaginable with your name on it.  No one did the former better than Alexander the Great, and no one has accomplished the latter on as big a scale as Gene Simmons.

Roger Daltrey/ Maximilien Robespierre

Both men tried to take control and force their will upon those around them in the Who and France respectively.  Roger Daltrey would actually beat up his bandmates if they did something he didn’t want them to, and Robespierre would send people to the guillotine for still referring to February as “February” instead of the new name for the months that he came up with.  Eventually, everyone in the Who decided to gang up on Daltrey by beating him up and threatening to throw him out of the band.  He never intimidated any of them again.  Likewise, the French soon turned against Robespierre because they were tired of the threats and his violent presence that they beheaded him.  Suffice to say he never bothered anyone after that.

Courtney Love/Catherine the Great

Because quite frankly, who else would have sex with a horse?

Pete Townshend/Thomas Jefferson

Hypocrites!  Pete Townshend is a self-professed hypocrite and history has deemed Thomas Jefferson to be a hypocrite as well.  Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence but not only retained slaves, had children with his own slave and then proceeded to keep some of his darker skinned children in servitude.  He also wanted to lessen the power of the federal government, but would up expanding its role by (illegally) by the Louisiana territory.  Jefferson also advocated violent revolutions every ten years or so, but went on to become president.  Townshend, by the same token preached a life of spiritual understanding and stoicism, but instead would often wake up besides countless groupies and a finished bottle of gin.  Even though he revealed in being the punk, he also craved the limelight and would have done anything for a #1 hit album.  Look no further than Quadrophenia for a greater look into this hypocrisy.

Roger Waters/Julius Caesar

Julius Caesar took control of a power vacuum in the Roman military while Roger Waters took control of a creative vacuum in Pink Floyd after Syd Barrett left the band.  During the span of about 5 years things were great; Rome conquered more lands west into the lands of the barbarians, and Pink Floyd was at the height of their popularity.  Then once the two of them began to accumulate too much power they were cut down by their peers for being too powerful.  Caesar was assassinated while Waters was merely fired from his job.

Johnny Rotten/Karl Marx

Besides being affiliated with two ideas I find to be laughably ridiculous these two men were all about contrarian ideas, violent overthrowing, but no set plan on what to do after that.  Rotten wanted to return rock to its three chord origin and wipe out all the excess like solos, melodies and experimentalism (stupid, I know).  Marx wanted to wipe out capitalism (again stupid, I know).  Their whole mantra was “We’re gonna change society by hating and beating the shit out of anything we don’t like”.  The problem though is that they didn’t have a plan or really a strong set of parameters with which to build up their own ideas for their ideal society.  Thank God for the rest of us, that no one really gives a shit about these two anymore.

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