Terror on Eight Legs

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January 20, 2014 by NowhereButPop

by Andrew Doscas

It eats birds; it eats fucking birds man


When you look at animals, you can usually see similarities between them that is to say that there seems to be some semblance of similar features between them.  Human and monkeys, bats and rats, snakes and worms, sharks and dolphins, there’s a visual similarity with all these animals that makes them look less jarring because there’s a familiarity with the general shape and look of them.  There’s one kind of animal however that look like nothing else on this planet, and to no surprise the fear of this animal is the most common phobia on the planet.

Here’s a question to ponder while reading this article: “What the fuck else looks like a spider?”.  Think about it, no other animal on earth has the same layout as a spider.  They have eight long hairy legs, eight eyes, two body segments and mandibles that look more like a labia majora.  They look like fucking monsters, that’s why people hate them, because there’s no familiarity with their general form that it makes us uncomfortable.  I guess the fact that some of them can kill you probably adds to this fear too.  But the fact remains that they look like something that Salvador Dali conjured up during an LSD induced nightmare.

Everything, and I mean everything about them is grossly disturbing from how they look to how they move to how they act, it’s fucking sick.  Spiders have these gigantic asses that shit out sticky webs that they live in and trap their prey in; they don’t even have the decency to hunt down their prey like any other decent animal.  And why in all that’s holy do they need eight legs and eight eyes?  What the fuck do they possibly do that they couldn’t do with less appendages or eyes?  The way they move too, is abnormally sickening because they move so sinisterly like they’re up to no good, like their constantly trying to stalk someone.  And then when you catch them, they scurry away because they are up to no good.

Spiders, as with the vast majority of things in existence, can kill you.  There’re only two species of spiders that can kill you, but it’s how their poison affects people that’s disturbing.  One spider’s venom solidifies the blood in your veins thereby suffocating you from the inside out, and the other one causes you to shake so violently that it essentially leads to a heart attack.  There’s also another spider indigenous to South America that when it bites a human male, their venom leads to such an increase in blood pressure that he gets a massive erection that if left untreated will kill his ability to create sperm cells.  So not only can these stupid, shitty animals kill you they can also make you sterile.  God damn South American boner spider.

I don’t know if this is because I’m a man or because I eat solid foods, but what I find most offensive about spiders are their eating habits.  Now, even though they don’t engage in post-coital cannibalism as often as people think they do, they are wont to do it though.  Sometimes the female will eat the male mid-coitus, much to his not chagrin, as some male spiders will actively try to force the female to ingest them.  If this were the case with people, where I knew that every time I went to a girl’s house there was the a substantial chance that she might kill me in a very gruesome way, I don’t think I’d ever leave my mother’s house.  This doesn’t happen all the time, as on average males will mate with on about six different females before they die or are consumed.  In some cases however, the female will begins to feast on the male and then save his carcass for when the eggs hatch so that the next generation of asshole animals first meal will be their father.

Despite my irrational but ever potent fear of spiders, I’m clearly fascinated by them.  A few weeks ago I had my younger sister read me Wikipedia articles about spiders….because I can’t even look at a picture of a spider for fear of a panic attack.  What I learned however, was that most spiders actually don’t eat flesh, they suck out the bodily fluids of their prey.  I almost vomited when I heard that.  So they drink everything from blood, piss, and any other internal liquids and leave a rotting husk of their prey.  And here you thought humans treated their food poorly.

I’ve been deathly afraid of spiders for as long as I can remember, and it’s not going to change at all.  If I can be 100% certain about anything it’s that I will forever be arachnophobia.  It’s because they look and act like fucking monsters.  When I first saw them I was unfamiliar with their form and it made me feel fear because of my unease with how they look.  I never outgrew it, or became accustomed to them because I could never get past their grotesque and monstrous form.  But not for nothing, eating someone while you’re having sex with them isn’t going to make me like you more.



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