How to Pick Up Women According to Michael Jackson

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September 30, 2014 by NowhereButPop

by Andrew Doscas


Despite what Beyonce will tell you, she didn’t come up with the concept of a “visual album”; that distinction belongs to Michael Jackson, who with 1987’s Bad created what is truly the first visual album.  Originally released as a 10 track album, Bad yielded eight singles, and became the first album to spawn five #1 hit singles.  But it wouldn’t be much of a visual album without actual music videos.  Every track had an accompanying video to it, and the videos for “Bad” and “Smooth Criminal” are some of the more memorable ones in Jackson’s influential and easily recognizable videography.

What’s even more interesting is that each music video was meant to show a different aspect of Michael Jackson, specifically sides of himself that he hadn’t shown before.  To counterpoise his stance as the peacemaker in the video for “Beat It” the video for “Bad” was meant to show him being a streetwise tough guy.[1]  The music video for “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You” was meant to portray Jackson as a lover, someone capable of sexual feelings.  It’s the video for “The Way You Make Me Feel” however, that proves to be the most intriguing since it was made with the intention of proving to the world that Michael Jackson can pick up chicks….which is the entire premise of the video.  According to Michael Jackson and director Joe Pytka this is how you should approach a woman:


Step 1: (0:00-0:17)

Nut up and try not to cry after she initially ignores and then walks right past you.


Step 2: (0:18-1:00)

With the front of your shirt tied over in a bow, yell as loud as you can to get her attention and then proceed to circle her like vulture, all the while snapping your fingers at her.

Step 2.


Step 3: (1:01-1:20)

Continue to scream at her like a lunatic, but this time use words to describe how attractive you find her to be.  If that doesn’t work practice your karate moves in front of her.


Step 4: (1:19-2:00)

Follow her wherever she goes and have the guys from N.W.A. prevent her from getting away.


Step 5: (2:01-2:14)

With your friends from N.W.A. begin catcalling her and thrusting your pelvis in her general direction.

Step 5.


Step 6: (2:15-2:37)

Trap her in a dark alleyway with no means of escape.


Step 7: (2:38-2:51)

Continue to follow and harass her, but this time do it in front of your grandfather.

Step 7.


Step 8: (2:52-3:14)

Refer to step 5, but this time make sure you do it on top of a car.  Also add high leg kicks.


Step 9: (3:15-3:25)

Follow her into her car.


Step 10: (3:26-3:44)

Once she reaches safety with her group of friends, bring in your homeless homies to distract her friends while you continue to follow her through the streets.


Step 11: (3:45-4:19)

Repeat and further the suggestive gestures, while N.W.A. continues to shout at her and her friends.


Step 12: (4:20-4:33)

Shy away once she is about to kiss you,


Step 13: (4:34-5:10)

Sit down with her all over town and prevent her from fleeing to safety.


Step 14: (5:11-5:25)

Have an army of derelicts (including Easy-E) surround her as she once again tries to flee the scene.


Step 15: (5:26-5:43)

Begin interpretive but desynchronized dancing with four other grown men.

Step 15.


Step 16: (5:44-5:52)

Hump the ground and being to de-robe.


Step 17: (5:53-6:12)

Continue with the hooting and hollering all while belly dancing in the dark.


Step 18: (6:13-6:32)

Lull her into a false sense of security by pretending to finally leave her alone.


Step 19: (6:33-6:43)

After she has (FINALLY!) come down with a case of Stockholm syndrome and stopped playing hard to get, let her come to you and all you will get is a hug.*

*Hey, you had your chance back in Step 12.


Maybe I’ve been doing something wrong all these years.


[1] Yeah…who’d believe that?


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