Literal Synopses of Ridiculous Movie Plots

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January 6, 2015 by NowhereButPop

by Andrew Doscas

Robocop 2 (1990)

Still hoping to buy Detroit from the U.S. government in order to create their own exclusive and utopian luxury hotel chain, evil conglomerate OCP, is still trying to expedite the city’s impending debt default crisis (The exact same plot as the first movie).  In order to do this, OCP buys the Detroit police department, cuts their pension to force the offices to go on strike, and then encourages local drug dealer, Cain, to addict the entire city with his new narcotic, Nuke.  Cain is aided by his entourage, comprised of his squeamish girlfriend, loose-lipped police officers on the take, and his incredibly foul-mouthed, 11 year old protégé.

A drug addicted robot is only possible in Detroit.

Realizing that Robocop will never support OCP, and their unlawful designs, head-bitch, Dr. Faxx decides to create a new Robocop, one that will be controlled completely by OCP.  They think it best to have Cain riddled with bullets, take him off life support, and put his brain into this new robotic body all without his consent (in fact with his sternest protests).  Oh, and this robotic body is not powered by an energy cell, or the sun, but by the drug Nuke.  Not only do they put a criminal’s mind into an unstoppable killing machine, but also an addict’s brain, who can still get high in his new and indestructible robotic body.  It’s up to Robocop to stop this new model before it inevitably runs amok and reverts to its criminal ways….because he’s a homicidal drug dealer, forcefully employed by an evil conglomerate.

Speed (1994)

Angered and insulted at his retirement gift, an expensive gold watch, maimed Howard Payne, a former police bomb squad member, is out for revenge against people who had nothing to do with his forced retirement.  It’s up to dimwitted cop, Jack Traven, his partner, Harry Temple, and Annie Potts, a random civilian who’s never driven a bus before to keep a bus rigged to blow from exploding.  If the bus goes under 55 mph, it will explode.  If anyone tries to get off the bus, it will explode.  If anyone pisses Howard off, it will explode.  Planes, trains, and automobiles will blow up before this thrill ride is over.  It’s up to this motley assortment of police officers and commuters to stop a deranged and scorned mad bomber from enacting his misplaced plan for vengeance.  Oh and the guy who played Cam in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off plays Cam as an adult.

Speed- The most entertaining movie about rush hour traffic.

Predator 2 (1990)

A racist alien finds himself stranded in Los Angeles, and spends his time killing only Colombians and Jamaicans.  Not bothered by these mass killings, or the fact that each victim is missing their skull, it’s up to one disgruntled, semi-retired cop (Danny Glover…who else) to find this elusive alien hunter.  Glover, aided by Bill Paxton (who inevitably dies) and some pregnant lady (who fights the Predator) are all that stands between the alien and open season on all Jamaicans and Colombians in Los Angeles.

Aware of the alien’s movements, Gary Busey, who may or may not be affiliated with a clandestine government organization, it’s never really made clear if he is or not, tries to track down and capture the alien, who’s made his base in a fully operation slaughterhouse.  Armed to the teeth with advanced weaponry, and the ability to heal himself from nuclear waste and ceramic tiles, this alien, one ugly motherfucker (who apparently has slain a T-Rex), is in for a rude awakening…West Coast style.

This may very well be a still from Lethal Weapon.

Judge Dredd (1995)

After a devastating nuclear war has laid waste to the majority of the planet, but also led to an exponential increase in the human population, a group of legalized Guardian Angels, called Judges, take to the streets to apprehend and execute any post-apocalyptic criminals.  One such Judge is Joseph Dredd (played by Sylvester Stallone), the greatest judge to ever wear a badge.  Now Dredd has been framed for murder by his secretly incarcerated identical twin, Rico (played by Armand Asante).  While colleague, Judge Hershey, fights to clear Dredd’s name, Dredd must fight his way through corrupt police officers, his neo-Nazi bosses, and a gang of religious, and cannibalistic hillbillies.  The only person standing by Dredd in his hour of need is a wart riddled computer hacker infected with gonorrhea (Rob Schneider).

Dredd! Watch out, he’s got gonorrhea!

All the while this is going on, Rico and his own personal Terminator, singlehandedly kill almost every single Judge in a matter of 40 hours.  With the Judges unable to stop him, Rico enlists a shamed eugenicist, and Dredd’s neo-Nazi ex-boss to create clones of himself to create a master race of Judges to patrol the streets.  It’s up to Max von Sydow, who spends half the movie convincing people that he’s not dead, to reveal the mysteries of Dredd’s past and give him a fighting chance to save his future…no matter how shitty that future may be.

Virtuosity (1995)

The most blatant rip-off of the T-1000.

Denzel Washington plays a one armed cop-turned criminal-turned-cop again, once he’s blackmailed into helping the LAPD track down a sociopathic computer program.  Sid, played by Russell Crowe, is a computer software program and an amalgamation of some of the most violent criminals in human history.  He’s given a synthetic human body because the janitor accidentally mixed up a hooker’s software chip with Sid’s bringing Sid to life, instead of the intended prostitute.  As a result, Sid is able to enter the real world with his virtually indestructible body.  Also, he’s able to heal himself by touching glass.

Almost as obsessed with music as he is with massacring innocent, Sid likes to dress up in the most clichéd 90s fashion and go to raves where he orgasms to the sounds of bullets being fired.  Trying to understand why he does the horrible things he does, Kelly Lynch plays a shitty criminal psychologist who doesn’t seem to realize that Sid is programmed to be a homicidal maniac.  She also serves as a poor surrogate and metaphor for Denzel’s doomed wife.  It’s up to a disgraced cop and an emotionally inept psychologist to stop an impervious killing machine, brought to life by some horny and dimwitted janitor.

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Two deranged and dismissive fathers (Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad) try to make up for their shitty parenting by doing whatever it takes to get their sons the hottest toy for Christmas.  The only problem?  It’s Christmas Eve.  Naturally, this toy, Turbo Man, is all sold out, but that won’t stop these dads from trying anyway.  Along the way, they both break an absurd amount of laws, and by the end of the movie, they both should be put away for at least 25 years.

Sinbad, playing a disturbed mailman, tells everyone that in his postal satchel is a homemade explosive device which he uses to get his way (threatening to murder people with a bomb).  He holds a radio station hostage with such a threat, and then uses the same threat to escape police custody, only that time the package in hand actually was a bomb (throwing a bomb at the police).  He’s also seen drinking on the job (a huge no-no for federal employees), harassing children, assaulting a parade actor, and causing mayhem in a public setting.  Ultimately he does all this to prove that he is a better father to his son than his own father was to him.

Arnold and Sinbad-A most 90s of pairings.

Meanwhile, Schwarzenegger has his own litany of charges against him as well.  On his way to proving that he’s not a shitty father, Arnold breaks into his neighbor’s house, sets said house on fire, beats up a reindeer, impersonates a police officer and almost molests a child in a ball pit.  At some point in the movie he manipulates a parade to get his son to like him again and somehow masters how to use a jetpack.  Being so focused on looking for his son’s gift, Arnold doesn’t realize that his neighbor has been making moves on his wife.  Can he keep his family in tact?  Or will he lose out to both his dorky neighbor and this clearly insane mailman, just waiting to go postal?

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