Why Does Chris Brown Look like a Sith Lord?

1

May 6, 2015 by NowhereButPop

by Andrew Doscas

It’s been out for five months already, yet like some blind hermit locked away in the Tower of London, I’ve only just seen the video for Nicki Minaj’s “Only”…and it is the most RIDICULOUS, non-porn related thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.  Growing up in the mid 00s, I’m used to absurd and inane songs, but most of those songs, like: “A Milli”, “Ms. New Booty”, “Holiday Inn”, and anything related to T-Pain sucked.  “Only”, despite its own brand of over-the-top madness, is actually one of Minaj’s most amusing, if not enjoyable songs.  The video is so overblown and the lyrics are so nonsensical that I can’t even right now.

The video itself is essentially an X-rated version of Rihanna’s “Disturbia”, and somehow places itself at the intersection of BDSM culture and Sk8er culture.[1]  Or, better yet, imagine Madonna’s “Justify My Love” but with product placement.  Between the corpse with a Beats Pill laced around his neck and misplaced homages to Jay-Z’s Magna Carta…Holy Grail, “Only” takes itself so seriously that it’s impossible not to laugh.  Although I don’t know if the comatose guys in the beginning of the video are sex slaves or merely submissive masochists.

The more I watch the video, the more I’m convinced that the video’s chaotically erotic nature is only to reflect the song’s batshit insane lyrics.  As far as I can tell, the song is about how everybody wants to have sex with Nicki Minaj.[2]  However, I can’t be certain of this based off of Nicki’s verse alone.  Here are just a few of her lines that still have me scratching my head:

  • “My man full, he just ate, I don’t duck nobody but tape, Yeah, that was a set up for a punchline on duct tape”
  • “These hoes couldn’t test me even if their name was pop quiz”
  • “I don’t fuck with them chickens unless they last name is cutlet”

Maybe I’m being naïve or just not hip to the times, but I feel like I’m not getting the full gist of her message.  She’s just saying things in a silly way that makes me laugh when I hear them; I just have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.

Drake’s contribution to “Only” is by far and away the funniest and therefore strongest verse of the song.  Inanities and misplaced allusions have become such a staple in rap music that they often override the actual meaning of the song.  There’re too many non-essential lyrics that reference pop culture instead of detailing what the song is about…kinda like Family Guy.  Drake’s verse makes a complete mockery of this cliché as if he wrote this verse about wanting to fuck Nicki Minaj independently of having been asked to work on “Only”.  This is probably a reenactment of the song’s genesis:

*****

Drake: Hey Nicki, I wrote this song about how I feel about you.

Nicki: Oh really?  How does it go?

Drake: Nicki if you ever tryna fuck, Just give me the heads up so I can plan for it.

Nicki: You know Drizzy, I have this new song I’m working on, but it’s just not   coming together.  What if we took what you wrote and make the message of the song?  You could be featured on the track.

Drake: Yeah, that’s cool, but I know that Weezy wants to fuck you too, can you be on the track too?

Nicki: Yeah that’s great!  The more people we have, the more believable it’d     be.  We should also have Chris Brown on it, that way when we make the video, he can throw his face into a latex wall.

Drake: Alright, but I got to warn you, he just saw Star Wars for the first time.

Nicki: Whatever, we can just make a completed fucked up video where we just   do random shit in an underground sex club so that Chris doesn’t look like the   weirdest guy there.

 *****

He really portrays himself as the Willi E. Coyote to Minaj’s Roadrunner, that every time he sees her, he expects to have sex with her.[3]  I mean it’s equal parts egotistical and uncouth, but he goes about describing his endless, and ultimately futile attempt, in the most entertaining way possible:

  • “I never fucked Nicki cause she got a man, but when that’s over then I’m first in line”
  • “And the other day in her Maybach, I thought god damn, this is the perfect time”
  • “I mean, she say I’m obsessed with thick women and I agree…Yeah, so thick that everybody else in the room is so uncomfortable”[4]

His best line, and the song’s best line, the one that quoted around the office the most “I like my girls BBW, yeah, type to wanna suck you dry then eat some lunch with you”.  For a video as demonstrative and uh…visual, this is easily the song’s most vivid lyric, and for someone with a 15 year old’s sense of humor, the idea of getting head, and then immediately going out to IHOP for the brunch special is nirvana.

One day Drake…one day.

I give props (if I can do such a thing) to Drake for rejecting the clichéd and backwards paradigm of eating and then having sex.  It just doesn’t work in that order.  For someone constantly looking to make sense in a world bereft of rhyme or reason, having sex and then eating is way more practical than eating a meal first and then screwing around.  Seriously, it’s like the rule about not going in the water within 30 minutes of eating or else you’ll get cramps and horrible upset stomachs if you eat first.  One of the worst stomach aches in my life was because I had an order of mozzarella sticks and a grilled cheese sandwich right before making the beast with two backs.[5]  Be it swimming or sex, I think Drake is just looking out for the public’s health.

Lil Wayne starts his verse by suggesting that Nicki Minaj would only sleep with him if she was fucked up, “I never fucked Nicki and that’s fucked up, if I did fuck she’d be fucked up”.  I don’t know if he’s got confidence issues or if he’s warning her to stay away.[6]  Besides that one line, I have absolutely no fucking idea what he’s talking about for the rest of his verse.  I’m kinda interested in seeing how anyone can make sense of the following lines:

  • “I piss greatness like gold is yellow”
  • “My girlfriend will beat a bitch up if she wave, they bet not fuck with her surfboard”
  • “You got the hiccups, you swallowed the truth, then I make you burp, boy, treat beef like sirloin”
  • “Don’t have my money? I take mothers instead”

Is there supposed to be a point to “Only”, or is it just a random amalgamation of tangentially related words and concepts?  Even though I don’t know, I’m perfectly OK with this since I can’t help but be amused and entertained whenever I hear this song.  There’s no way that anyone can take this song seriously, even if the song takes itself way too seriously; there’s just no point to it.  Nicki Minaj is still doing her own thing, however unorthodox it may be; Drake puts his heart on his sleeve in the bluntest way possible, and Lil Wayne continues to give us more reasons to believe that he only became famous by accident.  Through it all, the biggest question that “Only” leaves unanswered is why Chris Brown looks like he’s auditioning for a role in the new Star Wars movie.


[1] I think there’s a quick cut to a guy with a skateboard in his mouth getting flogged by a dominatrix.

[2] This theory is only based on Drake’s and Lil Wayne’s verses.  I still don’t know what Nicki is talking about, or why Chris Brown is even on the track.

[3] Granted, this is probably how most of us feel when we see our ex’s…right?

[4] Is that like a fat-shaming reference or something?

[5] Although that may have been because I’m lactose intolerant.

[6] Most likely the latter; if Weezy has a complex, it’s going to be a Napoleonic Complex.

Advertisements

One thought on “Why Does Chris Brown Look like a Sith Lord?

  1. Ciscqa says:

    Reblogged this on ciscqa.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: